I went pretty much computer silent for a good three days after monday, something that maybe doesn’t particularly show on my frequenzy of blog posts, as they can be anything from one day to three weeks apart depending on what’s up in creative world. It’d be a bit too “factory like” if there was something to tell you everyday, I think.
Nope, I just had to sort out one of my little “meltdowns”. Angst and such accumulating from too much crap happening at the same time. Now, this happens to all of us pretty regularly, and I’m good to handle it a lot of the time. I know exactly when I stop being good at it. That very moment when I take responsibility for all of it. Doing what I do, it’s only natural I take on a leader role, that goes for most areas of my life, but especially the creative and music part since it’s my stuff. When I start thinking I have to handle everything myself, well, that’s when it gets to be a little too much. Amanda Palmer speaks about this in “The art of asking”. Yes, I may lead the music (and my life in general) but a good leader delegates and knows they don’t have to handle everything, occasionally they just have to “be”/”keep trucking” if you will and go from what’s just happened. It’s OK to ask for help. And it’s OK to let sh*t go altogether and not handle it at all, just let it splash (nom) and continue. I am slowly learning this, still.
At one point in my life, the “meltdown” was a constant state of being. Let me give you an example if you think I’m babbling and need some clarification on what I’m going on about. For a short while between school and studies, I was unemployed. Now, I went to all the classes, did all the training, I sent out 20 applications/week… Nothing. I kept thinking I was doing something wrong, I could do better and then I’d get a job, and it was disheartening to say the least. Today I’d tell my 19-year-old self: “You know what? You’re doing excellent, your skills when it comes to writing CV:s and applications are improving by the minute and you’re doing everything right. The job market is a complete bitch right now. It’s bloody hard to get employed if you’re under 25 and have no good job connections to speak of. Let it go, keep going, and pursue those studies you’ve been thinking about come autumn. You’re a great kid and you’ve learned a lot this year.”
If I’d have known that, I’d feel a lot better, I still probably wouldn’t have gotten a job but I would have saved myself a lot of grief. Still applicable. That’s why it’s so important to talk to people, not keep it bottled up inside, ask for help, because you learn, you stride, you advance, even if you don’t see it yourself at that very moment.
The meltdowns are less frequent and much shorter, because I am getting better at this. My last one was April last year when the sh*t hit the fan during album recordings. Once again, I thought it was all on me to pull it all together and it was not until I asked for help after two weeks that I realized I’d been wondering, pondering and maybe even obsessing in all the wrong places, taking it all in like it was on me and me alone. Once I let that go, I healed fairly quickly and was able to get things done.
This one was a three day stride with a break from anything online, because, let’s face it, a lot of the time the online world seems like just a place of presentation and not one of working together. Once you let that go, the social media is a good help tool as well. But I needed my outdoor time to step out of that one bubble and see the other side of it.
On the double plus side, I got to hang with my animal peeps and start a new trend called guinea pig handbag. And by that I mean Rufus the guinea pig is like the cowardly lion and hates and fears everything, so when I tried to take him and the rabbit Lenka (who’s a calm cucumber) for a walk he crawled in my hand bag and stayed for the duration.