So this one, I admit, is not about music and creativity. It’s about Disney, which a lot of the time is as far away from the afforementioned as you can come. But bear with me.
There’s been a wee Little Mermaid craze of late. Nostalgic parents from my generation show it to their kids, merchandise is popping up and exclamations of joy are shared with everyone on facebook if “You’re Ariel” in the oh so scientific “What Disney Princess are you?” test.
I’m not buying into it. First of all, Ariel was never my favourite. I liked Mulan, which may come as no surprise, and, a bit more of a surprise maybe; Sleeping Beauty. Even though I’ve become a bit uneasy, nowadays, about the fact that she’s molested in her sleep.
But there are just so many wrongs that can’t make a right here. A young student asked the Disney crew once why Ariel couldn’t write a note to the prince, she was clearly literate and could write and read. And it’s a legit question. It leads me to my numero uno, my big kahuna of quorn beefs (I’m a vegetarian);
WHY THE HELL DOES NOONE ACKNOWLEDGE THERE’S A TALKING CRAB??!! She’s got a friendly, walking talking crab right there fluent in moving his voicebox when she has none. For chrissake Ariel, use the crab, use the crab! Flounder I get, it’d be far too exhausting for him talking above water what with geels and all, but Sebastian clearly had no problem! “What if he spoke this sea creature language only Ariel understood?” No, he didn’t. He had no problem singing audibly to set the mood for a kiss in the moonlight, and when Erik didn’t remember Ariel’s name Sebastian jumped up and whispered it in his ear. “Wouldn’t he panic if a crab started talking?” Well… I guess no more than when he finds out the girl sat next to him is a mermaid he has to fall in love with and kiss in order for her to keep her legs and get her voice back from the evil sea witch. So there’s no excuse not using the talking crab. Sebastian, you selfish crustacean.
I’ll only touch the feminist subject for a moment. I get the 16-year-old supercrush- and “daddy I want legs to be with him” thing. But Ariel, you b*tch, your best friends are flounders and crabs and you get to hang with them all the time. Do you know how jealous the rest of us leggies are watching youtube videos of people petting sea dwellers like salmon, dolphins, rays, sealions, submarines, etc? And you give it up for a boy? Foooh…
The voice thing is a bit odd too. Singing to an unconcious man instead of giving him CPR? No 16-year-old is THAT naïve, that’s just a safety hazard, she ows us all to go to one of them classes. And Erik? What a douche! “No, you’re mute, you can’t be her”. What if she had gotten acute tonsilitis or something?
Lastly, I just can’t relate to Ariel. Loose clams holding up your breasts? Not even teenagers have that perky-power. The shafing alone must be excrutiating. And that lustrous hair in sea water, that thick, and you can comb it out with a fork? I believe Jenna Marbles touched the subject as well. Don’t get me wrong, I love gingers, just love ’em, I had a few ginger moments when my hair would swing that way, one of the wives is ginger, Julianne Moore is awesome and Prince Harry is certainly a bad boy alternative if you’re not into William. But in the words of Jenna Marbles; “Bitch, that came from a bottle, you’re not fooling anyone!” And singing under water certainly sounds a lot more crap than it does when Ariel carries a tune. No relate power at all. Sorry. If “You’re Ariel” in those tests, I just know we have nothing in common.
And lets not forget, HC Andersen’s tale did not, I repeat did NOT end in the same way at all. Quite a spin there, Disney. That’s why the Little Mermaid train is just not for me.