Video closing in

In a few days all is right in the world. My tools to work creatively are coming back (lended at the mo) and the music video, with the usual delays in film world, will be up for all of y’all to see! ๐Ÿ™‚
For a while I was defining it as proper acting job, portaying a normal person, but every story really does have an archetype. To prepare for this one, I suggest you read up on Demeter and Persephone, because that’s really my story. Where can a mother’s love go? To the underworld and back? Changing the seasons? You’ll see… ๐Ÿ˜‰

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Public vs private persona- the importance of seperating yourself from projection

I’ve touched this subject lightly in other posts but it is worth it’s own. With today’s social media invading our lives in big strides it’s important not to get lost in the projection of yourself. It used to be all about the mask, the shell we build on the outside to protect ourselves when we don’t know someone. That mask has now rather become our downfall as it’s so easy to disappear into it and forget what we are actually protecting.

I’ve talked about art, and where I go when I make it, what world I am in. It’s very important for me to say I travel there. Because I may feel safe there, but it is not all of me. It is part of me. I am not Mary, Sofia, Florence or Sarah. They are merely the girlfriends I hang with when I’m there. I can’t be there all the time. I’d lose myself. There was a time when I thought completely escaping into that world was the answer to my well-being. I’ve slowly realized over the years that if I forgot all the other parts and dimensions of myself, it’d just be another projection and I could probably never be completely happy. Especially considering the ladies in that world are ladies of extreme emotions, and while they can be considered both positive and negative, they wouldn’t quite give me the balance I find by embracing all of myself.

Me on facebook is deffo a projection. While the woman you meet there is very much me, it’s a part of me. I can’t be completely her. I don’t open my eyes in the morning with witty remarks about the start of the day, or feminist angles to making the bed, or gyrating and hairflipping when I’m making my breakfast. What makes me smile when getting up is my guinea pig making: “Heeey, we’re hungry over here”-noises, while standing in his toilet. “Efficiant multi-tasking, eh, little man?”

As a woman, and because of how I’ve been raised, I basically started of my life trying to live up to projections. I think it’s easy as a female to do that, we certainly have been more pushed to do it. When I fell in love, what made me happy was making the other person happy. Sussing out what they liked, looking into it, learning to like it myself. That’s fine in part, in part it’s called compromising. But I must admit, I’ve never grown as much as a person, getting to know myself and what I like, as when I’ve given up love or love has ended. I really go: “Screw it, I’m gonna do this, I REALLY wanna do this and I don’t care what anyone else thinks!” I’ve had the luck of friendships and relationships where the person is drawn to some projection of me ending, often not by my own doing, I try to project ’til the last moment and hey, you know, it turns out you can never project what THEY think they see, nor what they want, so better just to be yourself, innit? Sometimes a painful lesson to learn. One person really couldn’t seperate my business talk, my 2008 self and my social media/blog projected self from me, and talked to me accordingly, often mixing them all together to the most distorted image ever in this person’s idea world. I mean, talk about looking at yourself in a laughing house mirror! And since I was trying to make it all work, I took it all in. Wow. Yes, good lord, one needing to get away to say the least!

Years and year ago, you’d meet me for the first time and I’d be very quiet, then because I didn’t dare to talk and was painfully shy. Today it’s a different story. I’m still pretty quiet. And I wouldn’t say it’s because I’m reserved, but I am careful of projecting, just letting the conversation and relationship grow without having to put that shell on the outside. Taking it slow, to put it in layman’s terms. Often with musicians and people doing music, it doesn’t take long to start talking. We share a common interest and often a common spirit. Sometimes it takes two or three times, and then I let it if I find the person genuinly interesting. No rush, you can’t rush these things. Sometimes it takes a little longer and it’s allowed to. Not having hours of conversation the first time you meet doesn’t mean you’re never gonna have a connection.

When I notice someone falling for my projection, I back off. You can tell a lot of the times. When they start presenting yourself to you in a way you don’t recognize. I’ve learned to not play along, it only hurts me, upsets the other person, and sooner or later something will go sour. How some approach you in social media is an example. How someone talks to you like your still in that chat room when you meet them in real life. I could really feel the contrast when out having a coffee with a friend that my private person has become quite comfortable with, and an aquaintance of the two of us approached me and immediately uttered one or two sentences that were clearly directed to my facebook self (which as I said earlier is part of me but certainly not all of me). I backed off, really leaned more into the person I was comfortable with, and didn’t say much. We, me the real person and him the real person, are not meant to talk yet. Not ’til the approach is different.

Today, when it comes to love, I’m lazy I think. Anything ideal I seek in a partner I have in my wifes, so I don’t need to look for it. There is love, no need to dumb down/smart up/change and a genuine dedication to eachother and our interests. We are partners through good times and bad, there is no projection, no masks and complete trust. I’m not saying nothing ever happens in the department d’amour, I’m saying I don’t care if it does, and in some ways that takes away that lesson, learning how to balance your care and interest for the other. And since I am lazy, and the approaches I get are often from the men or women who go ga-dunk dunk for my projection, well… you know… that doesn’t work. Morrisey’s celibacy makes sense ๐Ÿ˜‰ I do have faith in the great mother, as I am in some ways still learning the balance, when it’s time to go ape-shit-dumb while still maintaining me, the universe will give me a big smack in the head. As a gal’ on this earth (and as a guy ofc, but honestly the women still need to hear it more), it’s smarter to really get your head and heart into your core, not just for your own happiness but it’s about letting someone love the real you, too. It’s unselfish, is what I’m saying. And it’s probably never gonna be easy. It may take time (it doesn’t always), but mylord is it gonna be a good life! Happiness garantueed, refunds allowed but never claimed.

In conclusion, I am not knocking the many masks we wear. They are as important to us as breathing to manage most aspects of life, even love. I am only pointing out the importance of never walking in to any one seperate of them. They are only you when combined and in their own place. That’s when they are genuine parts of you. Finding this balance is about as hard as if you’d be wearing actual spandex walking on a line, but remember, there’s a safety net below and even as it gets harder, or sometimes easier, you will always learn and always become better, as long as you are awake and aware. The bruises and scars are your reminders;

Don’t compromize yourself. You’re all you’ve got //Janice Joplin

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Songwriter at the core

Don’t get me wrong, I love so many other aspects of the music, the production, the mixing, the visual creations, the performances and not to mention the signing of all kinds of boobies.

But the other parts are just that, parts, they are not present all the time. Privately, I don’t gyrate, grunt, give you the warrior stare, flip my hair insessantly to fortify a standpoint, nor do I greet men by kicking them in the nutsack. I’m leaving that in the other world I visit, thank you very much.

And, while there is nothing wrong with my work ethics, when I’ve been mixing and producing for a good five hours I need a walk and to come back with a new set of ears, be it after 30 mins or 300. But what I always carry with me is some part taking in everything I see, saving it in that mental bank when it produces an extrordinary image or just giving that extra umph to an image already created.

Sitting in the studio this saturday, while paying attention and watching intently, some moments were just listen moments where there was nothing to take in. Immediately my head said; “dancing signals” and “ghost buttons”, referring to the signals dancing with the music on the front of the mix table, and the volume buttons moving up and down as Plec programmed them live to do so. I said it out loud, and while the dear Plec just laughed, I realized I do this all the time. I don’t just look at the mechanical side of it, I form my own image as well, probably to bring forth as I travel in my songwriting, I’ve just enlarged that world a little bit more.

I think that’s how you know what you truly are, or what helps you on the road to finding it out. What is the one thing you can’t stop doing, the one part of you that doesn’t rest even when you’re watching a film, cleaning, working, grocery shopping, whatever? Mine is the songwriting, clearly, creating the images and melodies that’ll take me to that place I like to go. It helps me with all the other parts. It’s always there opening the door for me to the mixing, production, the performances, because like Bifrost it offers a gateway, a bridge, to my other desires.

So what about you? Found your core yet or still looking? My best bet is don’t look, that’s when it reveals itself to you.

The Other Woman

The song that inspired the album Letters From Scarlet coming up 2014, a full length again, with awesome theme ๐Ÿ™‚

I’ll have to have a think through and record different versions of each song, including this one, to see which theme is better, simple, rock, or more synth/dance like this one, so this might not be the final version. But it gives you an idea ๐Ÿ™‚

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Weirdness coming up

While I have fairly normal musical sundays, melodica training, candles, tea and Joni Mitchell in the speakers, I do have my weird moments coming up. I remembered, during this chill sunday, that I have a sampler keyboard and some wicked samples like meltemin (greek wind), the ocean, cikadas and crazy donkeys safely stored in my H2zoom friend. So, be prepared, wickedly weird productions coming up! ๐Ÿ˜‰

International Woman’s Day!

So yep, today I gigged my white girl booty of at Kulturhuset Skรถvde, of course in honor of march 8th, including Wasps and Black Bride in my playlist. Walking onto set for preps, I was a little worried. “Wow, this room is empty. Is it gonna change?” Turns out, it was because the peoples of Skรถvde where out on the 15:52 demonstration, and the whole thing actually ended in Kulturhuset. So … You can call the room NOT empty the second the demonstration was over! ๐Ÿ˜‰

What felt extra awesome was that I was performing for likeminded people, which OK, I do a lot of the time, but this was really like a whole day and a whole crowd expressing themselves like I do! Which is why I said yes in the first place, I figured Ung Vรคnster and March 8th was bound to be good. And I sold albums and even a few packages! (Both of the albums together). Some of my new fb-fans I haven’t met before came to watch as well, always nice to see those faces in real life.

And while I’ve had stressful weeks, not been 100% the whole time, it was like getting new energy. Performing and being out playing always does that to me! I worked out extra hard for this one, sitting on my exercise bike for an hour, high resistance while singing, just to get those lungs to top notch stamina. Music is hard work, it is!

Anyways, putting together a live video, filmed from backstage so def. an interesting angle. Will link to it here as soon as I’m finished.

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Dolled up for the gig, wearing period red as promised ๐Ÿ˜‰

Why I need music

There is a scene in the film “The Hours”, where Virginia Woolf’s niece sits in her absent-minded aunties knee, and the child’s mother explains it perfectly: “Your auntie is priviligied enough to live in two worlds. The one we’re in, and the one in her books”.

And that’s what it’s like for all of us. Creative or no, surely you recognize the feeling of being moved to another realm, another reality, when you read a book that touches you, hear a song that almost makes you disappear, or stare at a painting with colours so vivid yet so out of this world?

A creative person simply visits very often. That’s how the pieces get made. When reality gets rough I escape into the siren notes of Tori Amos or Kate Bush, the fairy realm, or the anger and wishes to change the world of Serj Tankian and System of a Down, or the calm dreams of Joni Mitchell, or the Lizard realm presented by Jim Morrison, or the supergay, supercolorful world of Rufus Wainwright, the rock and roll adventures of Aerosmith, the simple yet complicated and beautiful of the Beatles and so on, and so on. And inbetween, I escape into that realm of my own. The realm where there’s no need for questions, I am queen and I have queens fighting with me, wether it be the archetype of Mary who lets me listen to her heartbeat in Black Bride, Sarah who tells me her story, the unshaken Sofia or the siren cries of Florence. They are there, and it is as much real as this world we’re living in. They have stories, castles, houses, anger, sadness, ponies running all around them, they’re sitting on a beach or they’re knee deep in mud and grass.

Fact is; I need this world. We all do from time to time. That’s why, no matter how I’m feeling otherwise, I can perform, I can write, I can record. Because I completely travel to this world, and the real world doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I’m there, and when I’m there I can take my audience there. Let them get lost in those colours. Feel the passion of the war, or the sadness, or the frustration, or even the love and happiness.

The creative souls travel there often because they have to, because they are sensitive. An escape is needed to survive a pretty harsh reality when your sensitive like that. No, music and creative jobs do not make you depressed. Many are, because they have those sensitive souls, but the art is the good product of it, the necessity, and the depression is the side effect of the complete contact with your own emotions. One has nothing to do with the other. That’s why you don’t have to be afraid to lose it if your depression gets cured. Because you are still you, and you’re still that soul that feels, that touches, that keeps in contact with the other realm. And believe me, you’ll still have days when you need an absolute escape again, even if you’re well! Some awesome songs will be written those days!

I perform when I’m well, I performed when I wasn’t. And either way, as I’m never really chilling on this earth when I do, I feel Mary’s embrace and heartbeats, I feel myself taken back to my childhood in Wasps and speaking for those who can’t speak for themselves at that age, including me, and I feel that little dragon soaring above me. And no matter what, I feel safe. Most of the time in this world, but always in that one. That’s why creative people need their art. That’s why I need my music.

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Sitting in the studio

I’ve decided to use the additional spare time I’ve aquired for myself (I work too damn much! Given some hours to a co-worker) to sit in on studio sessions, watching and getting inspired.

Today I did some time in The Panic Room, with Plec at Nordic Sound Lab, and oh yeah, even though it was old school 90’s metal I picked up a thing or two. Today and tomorrow I’ll be spending time with Facebreaker’s new album, today I mostly sat looking lovingly at all his analogue equipment but I also sat next to him for most of his prep mixing. I’m also going to an audition, although the first cuts will be made when dancing in high heels so I am having my thoughts of sitting this one out. I’m dead tired, it’s a long drive, and while I can dance and sing, combining it with my nemesis heels seems like a stretch to be driving far (and tired) for, especially since a first cut with singing and moving in my flats would probably speak more to my advantage. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll think differently after a good nights sleep.

Otherwise waiting for the final clip to arrive in wife’s mailbox, I can’t wait to get this video out to all of y’all!